Nobody told me there would be days when the sun stays in bed. Wakes up, sure, but pulls the covers far overhead to keep the waking from overcoming the sleeping, too quickly. Days where the grey wind makes its way down wide city streets, pushing hearty cyclists either forward or back and bundled-up pedestrians deeper into their winter puffies, muted tones moving along like leaves on a mission.
Of course, this would be the day I return to the Windy City - this the day I stand with others grasping for our best memories of our best friend. The last time I was here, more than a year ago, was for a wedding. This time, of course, a funeral. Surprisingly, in one week, my heart hasn't stopped hurting; this void a new, tangible addition to my day-to-day.
The nature of my grief manifests itself as the pain of my cracked ribs, cracked from the car crash I lived through the day before I learned my friend had died. I can't inhale deeply without pain radiating across the left side of my body and down to my elbow. Which is poor timing, as I would like to be able to inhale to fuel the sobbing I occasionally give in to. But my heart hurts; why shouldn't my ribs hurt, as well?
I don't know how to process this type of grief. I know broken hearts, but those crimes' perpetrators still live on, somewhere, oblivious to the small scars they caused. This is a different beast, altogether. This brokenness won't be salved by online creeping and reassurances that his new woman isn't really all that attractive. For heartaches past, I've numbed the pain with sugar, caffeine, exercise, cigarettes, whiskey, repeat. But I'm learning that self-medication isn't the best option for me. I haven't had a cigarette in nearly 10 years, and I can't hold my liquor like I used to (nor do I want to). Caffeine makes me anxious and shaky, and while I still run and love it, that whole rib thing. My fail safes have failed for now, and I'm left questioning best next steps in light of these considerations.
Will your memorial service bring some solace or only more pain? I'll know one way or the other, in a few hours. For now, I'm so nervous and so close to my edge. And I stupidly put on mascara this morning. At least some bit of me will be running today.
My dear friend - thank you for being a part of my world, however briefly. Thank you for all you brought to this world and the impact you had on everyone you met. My heart breaks further to think that you didn't know how deeply you were loved by so many. But I pray that you've found some relief, wherever you may be. And I know you'll always be with me in some way, riding on that wind and pushing me to adventure and release of inhibitions. You're totally right - they're not always a good thing.
I love you; I'll miss you; I wish I could have said goodbye.
Showing posts with label breathing through it. Show all posts
Showing posts with label breathing through it. Show all posts
Saturday, November 11, 2017
Monday, January 30, 2012
Cigarettes and chocolate milk
No, no; that's not quite right. More like, herbal tea and clementines. And yet, I wish I could sit here throwing down Horizon organic chocolate milk and puffing away on American Spirits (tempering vice with virtue). For the past four days, I have been on a "vacation," which, for me, entails taking a week to myself back home in Chicago. No plans, just totally vegging out. Shoot; I had Chipotle today for the first time in a Long Time. I have not had a straight week without working in nearly two years. My life has been what it has been, and I will say nothing one way or the other, but I have gotten pretty tired. Tired of working at a job that I enjoy but don't love and cannot see myself remaining in for much longer. The past two years have brought their share of ups and downs, neither necessarily trumping the other, but life is still exhausting when you don't stop, when you do not take a minute to slow everything down and let yourself breathe deeply into yourself.
We get so wrapped up in the day-to-day difficulties of existence and pushing ourselves toward some generally unknown goal or future that we forget to take care of ourselves in the present tense. We forget that we are alive Right Now, and that matters so much more than whatever life we may be living in the Future. Right now, my life is full of so many wonderful, terrifying and stressful things, and I just don't quite have the energy to fully appreciate and acknowledge each of them. I am struggling with this running, struggling to stay motivated, struggling beyond belief to start amassing those so-called "long runs." I fear, too, that my fundraising has stagnated and I will end up disappointing the organization that took a huge risk with me. Blah blah blah, job un-fulfillment, nagging food issues, blah blah. Here, please let me take this opportunity to verbalize every mundane and stupid gripe I have with the world.
No, no; that is definitely not right either. I am falling in love; I am filled with hope for my future. I cannot wait to get back to Denver because being here has reminded me just why I was so eager to leave in the first place. The Midwest is beautiful: there is beauty in the barren trees and fields and snow-covered tracts of land hinting that spring is not really so far off if you can just hold out a little bit longer... Appreciate the rare, fiery sunset in January in Chicago. I needed this break so badly, even if I feel guilty for the amount I have Not run. It was nice to be able to sit in my old Starbucks, say hi to some of the regular customers, reflect on how different I feel today. But I am certainly not a suburban girl, and I have made a home for myself in Denver. Denver, a city I moved to on little more than a whim, has taken hold of me and has no plans to let go any time soon. Maybe four months ago, I was looking out a window at a snow-capped mountain, and I had this overwhelming sensation of Rightness. That everything I had gone through and experienced, all of my choices and mistakes and unconscious decisions had led me right to this exact place and life was exactly how it should be.
I still have glimpses of that sensation every once in a while, but they have been rare this winter. Not that I have forgotten, but I, like most people, have gotten away from truly appreciating my present and where I am right now. My winter has so far been emotionally draining and physically tough, and I have no idea if I can do all of this, and I have even less of an idea of where my life is taking me. My life has changed and I have grown so much over the past year; it is unbelievable. Last year, living in Chicago, I was just trying to survive. Now, I am surrounded by mountains and so much love and so many possibilities... We can plan as much as we want or need to, but really, life is going to happen how it does and we just have to appreciate what we are given and where it takes us.
And love. We have to love so much, appreciate everything and everyone that comes into our lives. Better or worse, we are stronger people for the experiences we have, for the way we are touched and touch others' lives. So sure, it would be much easier to give in to cravings for cigarettes and chocolate milk and self-destruction, but it is so much Better to stop and look around and acknowledge that life is crazy and wonderful and why not just let it wash over us and appreciate all that we have been given.
Thinking less. Trying to run more, but also not really worrying about it....
We get so wrapped up in the day-to-day difficulties of existence and pushing ourselves toward some generally unknown goal or future that we forget to take care of ourselves in the present tense. We forget that we are alive Right Now, and that matters so much more than whatever life we may be living in the Future. Right now, my life is full of so many wonderful, terrifying and stressful things, and I just don't quite have the energy to fully appreciate and acknowledge each of them. I am struggling with this running, struggling to stay motivated, struggling beyond belief to start amassing those so-called "long runs." I fear, too, that my fundraising has stagnated and I will end up disappointing the organization that took a huge risk with me. Blah blah blah, job un-fulfillment, nagging food issues, blah blah. Here, please let me take this opportunity to verbalize every mundane and stupid gripe I have with the world.
No, no; that is definitely not right either. I am falling in love; I am filled with hope for my future. I cannot wait to get back to Denver because being here has reminded me just why I was so eager to leave in the first place. The Midwest is beautiful: there is beauty in the barren trees and fields and snow-covered tracts of land hinting that spring is not really so far off if you can just hold out a little bit longer... Appreciate the rare, fiery sunset in January in Chicago. I needed this break so badly, even if I feel guilty for the amount I have Not run. It was nice to be able to sit in my old Starbucks, say hi to some of the regular customers, reflect on how different I feel today. But I am certainly not a suburban girl, and I have made a home for myself in Denver. Denver, a city I moved to on little more than a whim, has taken hold of me and has no plans to let go any time soon. Maybe four months ago, I was looking out a window at a snow-capped mountain, and I had this overwhelming sensation of Rightness. That everything I had gone through and experienced, all of my choices and mistakes and unconscious decisions had led me right to this exact place and life was exactly how it should be.
I still have glimpses of that sensation every once in a while, but they have been rare this winter. Not that I have forgotten, but I, like most people, have gotten away from truly appreciating my present and where I am right now. My winter has so far been emotionally draining and physically tough, and I have no idea if I can do all of this, and I have even less of an idea of where my life is taking me. My life has changed and I have grown so much over the past year; it is unbelievable. Last year, living in Chicago, I was just trying to survive. Now, I am surrounded by mountains and so much love and so many possibilities... We can plan as much as we want or need to, but really, life is going to happen how it does and we just have to appreciate what we are given and where it takes us.
And love. We have to love so much, appreciate everything and everyone that comes into our lives. Better or worse, we are stronger people for the experiences we have, for the way we are touched and touch others' lives. So sure, it would be much easier to give in to cravings for cigarettes and chocolate milk and self-destruction, but it is so much Better to stop and look around and acknowledge that life is crazy and wonderful and why not just let it wash over us and appreciate all that we have been given.
Thinking less. Trying to run more, but also not really worrying about it....
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
Whoops...
Guess I'll just skip April altogether and call it a day then. Here's the takeaway from the past five (plus) weeks: somehow and against all expectations, I ran and actually Finished the Around the Bay Road Race in Hamilton, Ontario, on March 27. It was a blistering 18 degrees at the start, but it was also completely sunny. Surrounded by nearly 7000 other runners, I barely felt the cold once I got moving. All told, I finished very near the end of the pack, but considering I (really) hadn't adequately trained, I did a lot better than I could have hoped. So, hooray! 18 miles, done and done.
Unfortunately, the following week, I developed an epic cold and have only run once since March 27th, a measly 2.5 miles. Even that was a struggle. One of the things I realized is that I can be sick and work, or I can be sick and run, but I cannot be sick and do both things. Income trumped cardio.
Raging sinus infection or no, life goes on, and I find myself, five weeks following my crazy Canadian race, living in Denver, Colorado. Wait, what?? Yes, yes, I moved to Denver. Four Days Ago. No car, which means I have been walking all over the place these past few days trying to find groceries, toilet paper, a lamp for my bedroom (still looking for that last one...). Two things are worth noting for context's sake: One is that I walked Everywhere when I went to school in Boston. I was a walking machine because it was easy and necessary to walk around Boston. The second thing is that once I moved back to Chicago following my graduation, I no longer had to walk, much less walk miles and miles at a time. Sure, I ran lots, but walking is definitely different. Living in the suburbs with nowhere to walk to, I became complacent and comfortable driving my parents' car if I needed to get somewhere. Four days ago, all of that changed. I was once more thrown into a situation where I don't have a car, and there are limited means of getting myself around. Some weird leg muscles are currently crazy sore, but walking it is!
Now, this blog is sort of supposedly about running. I haven't run much lately, hence the lack of writing about my running. What was I supposed to say, "Yep, another day where I couldn't really breathe, just sat around feeling guilty and eating."? No, because that's lame. Also, while the sinus infection was my main deterrent, I think I was also kind of burnt out after all the pressure I had been putting on myself about the 30K and not training enough for it. I just needed to chill out and not feel like I had to go outside in the rain/snow/greyness and train for some race.
But now I live in Denver... Now I live within sight of the Rocky Mountains and right beside one of the major trail systems that runs through and around the city. Now there is actual sunshine - already, my schnoz is sunburned. Now I am Finally on antibiotics and I can actually breathe through my nose again; my sinuses aren't out of control painful! It is very exciting. So today, after spending the past three days just walking around, today I laced up my sneakers (sort of new Nikes that I don't really like) and headed to the Cherry Creek Trail directly behind my apartment. I jacked up the volume on my ipod and took off. And I ran for a whole entire 15 minutes (gee whiz.) before doubling over gasping for air and desperately needing a walk break. All told, I ran about 3 miles, with a few intermittent walks.
My God, am I out of shape. Actually, it's more my lungs that are weak, I think. Between being sick and now living 5,280 miles about sea level, I was struggling for sure. It is too late for me to turn back now, and actually, I am already registered for another race, the Colorado Relay. Terrifying, I know, but hey, why not. Anyway, I have over three months to train for it, so I should be good... I hope.
There's only one way to find out, I suppose. I ran today; I am going to run tomorrow. I will probably be walking much more as the weeks progress, and I am fairly sure that my mountain bike (!!) is on its way as well. Ugh, there is so much to look forward to out here. Life is pretty damn exciting right now, even if I am also scared out of my mind that I am going to run out of money and not be able to pay my rent and my bills and then I guess I'll end up one of the friendly homeless people scattered throughout downtown Denver. But not tomorrow, anyway.
This life of mine is all about having crazy and absurdly amazing goals (the Colorado Relay!?) while still living day to day and not letting my anxiety overwhelm me. I am not sure I had ever really thought about moving to Denver before maybe three months ago, but here I am, alive and breathing and starting to run again. Who knows what this life will bring? I pray that the bad will occasionally be tempered by some good, and I pray I will be able to conquer the bad that occurs anyway. Running helps. Friends help a lot. Looking at the Rocky Mountains is pretty awesome as well. And one day (soon, I hope), I will be running with friends up and through those mountains. Crazy stuff, but hey, it's life, and it is all mine.
Running more. At altitude!
Unfortunately, the following week, I developed an epic cold and have only run once since March 27th, a measly 2.5 miles. Even that was a struggle. One of the things I realized is that I can be sick and work, or I can be sick and run, but I cannot be sick and do both things. Income trumped cardio.
Raging sinus infection or no, life goes on, and I find myself, five weeks following my crazy Canadian race, living in Denver, Colorado. Wait, what?? Yes, yes, I moved to Denver. Four Days Ago. No car, which means I have been walking all over the place these past few days trying to find groceries, toilet paper, a lamp for my bedroom (still looking for that last one...). Two things are worth noting for context's sake: One is that I walked Everywhere when I went to school in Boston. I was a walking machine because it was easy and necessary to walk around Boston. The second thing is that once I moved back to Chicago following my graduation, I no longer had to walk, much less walk miles and miles at a time. Sure, I ran lots, but walking is definitely different. Living in the suburbs with nowhere to walk to, I became complacent and comfortable driving my parents' car if I needed to get somewhere. Four days ago, all of that changed. I was once more thrown into a situation where I don't have a car, and there are limited means of getting myself around. Some weird leg muscles are currently crazy sore, but walking it is!
Now, this blog is sort of supposedly about running. I haven't run much lately, hence the lack of writing about my running. What was I supposed to say, "Yep, another day where I couldn't really breathe, just sat around feeling guilty and eating."? No, because that's lame. Also, while the sinus infection was my main deterrent, I think I was also kind of burnt out after all the pressure I had been putting on myself about the 30K and not training enough for it. I just needed to chill out and not feel like I had to go outside in the rain/snow/greyness and train for some race.
But now I live in Denver... Now I live within sight of the Rocky Mountains and right beside one of the major trail systems that runs through and around the city. Now there is actual sunshine - already, my schnoz is sunburned. Now I am Finally on antibiotics and I can actually breathe through my nose again; my sinuses aren't out of control painful! It is very exciting. So today, after spending the past three days just walking around, today I laced up my sneakers (sort of new Nikes that I don't really like) and headed to the Cherry Creek Trail directly behind my apartment. I jacked up the volume on my ipod and took off. And I ran for a whole entire 15 minutes (gee whiz.) before doubling over gasping for air and desperately needing a walk break. All told, I ran about 3 miles, with a few intermittent walks.
My God, am I out of shape. Actually, it's more my lungs that are weak, I think. Between being sick and now living 5,280 miles about sea level, I was struggling for sure. It is too late for me to turn back now, and actually, I am already registered for another race, the Colorado Relay. Terrifying, I know, but hey, why not. Anyway, I have over three months to train for it, so I should be good... I hope.
There's only one way to find out, I suppose. I ran today; I am going to run tomorrow. I will probably be walking much more as the weeks progress, and I am fairly sure that my mountain bike (!!) is on its way as well. Ugh, there is so much to look forward to out here. Life is pretty damn exciting right now, even if I am also scared out of my mind that I am going to run out of money and not be able to pay my rent and my bills and then I guess I'll end up one of the friendly homeless people scattered throughout downtown Denver. But not tomorrow, anyway.
This life of mine is all about having crazy and absurdly amazing goals (the Colorado Relay!?) while still living day to day and not letting my anxiety overwhelm me. I am not sure I had ever really thought about moving to Denver before maybe three months ago, but here I am, alive and breathing and starting to run again. Who knows what this life will bring? I pray that the bad will occasionally be tempered by some good, and I pray I will be able to conquer the bad that occurs anyway. Running helps. Friends help a lot. Looking at the Rocky Mountains is pretty awesome as well. And one day (soon, I hope), I will be running with friends up and through those mountains. Crazy stuff, but hey, it's life, and it is all mine.
Running more. At altitude!
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