A most ridiculous thing happened today: my shorts nearly slid off in the supermarket. It sounds absurd, I know, but as I was walking out with my shopping bags and orange juice, these size-2 Gap shorts kept inching their way down my bum, and any amount of wiggling I tried could not halt their descent. I stopped and tucked my sweater into my shorts (oh, Colorado weather...) and was good to go for the 6-block walk home.
I share this anecdote not to highlight the reality that I need either new shorts or a new belt or both, nor am I trying to illustrate how I don't have much padding around my hips/butt. No, I'm sharing this because my new reality is that I don't weigh much, and it is actually quite frustrating. My weight has become a very visible representation of a larger, darker issue: I am not gaining weight, and I am not absorbing nutrients properly. The adventures of a newly-diagnosed Celiac athlete! Trying to eat healthily but also adequately fuel my body. It's harder than it looks, folks.
It is now nearly three weeks since I ran and Finished (!) the Boston Marathon. The race was beyond incredible. So many thousands of runners, all of whom had worked so hard to get to Hopkinton. Standing around in the athlete's village prior to the start of the race, sipping Gatorade and coffee and water, I could not believe I was there. With everything that happened these past few months and years, I never imagined I would be wearing a bib number for the Boston Marathon. Five years after I was sitting in a hospital bed in Chicago wishing I was in Boston drinking with my college friends, I was about to take off running in the race as an official entrant. I wrote a little bit about this on here, but I had not properly trained for this marathon. Between being sick and dealing with my GI issues and then having to overhaul my entire diet and way of thinking about food, I just had not put in the miles necessary. The longest long run I did was about 10 miles, and that was in February. Which isn't to say I wasn't fit: I bike every day; I still do live at altitude; I was running a little bit. I had also spent the month before the marathon focusing on nutrition and putting on weight so that no matter what, at least I'd have a little bit of fat or Something to give me energy over the course of the race.
My attitude was basically, "Hell, I have an entry to this crazy marathon. This may never happen again. No, I haven't trained well; no, I have no idea what is going to happen; yes, there is a good possibility I won't be able to finish for whatever reason. So what. I'm going. I'm starting. I will enjoy the experience, whatever that means." And so I did
A few weeks earlier, I had seen Scott Jurek speak at the REI here in Denver. He was really interesting, and I wish I could have picked his brain more, but one part of his presentation stuck with me. He talked about how he managed to win the Western States 100, 7 years in a row, and how such a thing is even possible. Essentially, his takeaway point was 1: you have to want it, and 2: you have to Really want it. I wanted this race. I wanted to be there, and I wanted like crazy to finish. I hadn't beaten cancer and the face tumor and no B-cells and the face tumor redux and celiac disease only to drop out halfway. So I took off running when it was finally my turn to cross the start line, and I kept that sentiment with me the entire time. And even though I ran/walked the thing after about 10 miles in, never once did it occur to me to stop. Notably, never once did my GI give me any trouble, either. I crossed the finish line in Copley Square and promptly started sobbing because of every single thing I had overcome to get there. Because I had just finished the Boston Marathon; because I had once again proven to myself that I am stronger than I give myself credit for.
We all are stronger than we allow. Our bodies are incredible, and I know so many people who just laugh when the odds keep stacking against them. Really, if I can run a marathon without adequate training and actually Beat the time of my first marathon (that I did train for...), if I can feel completely back to normal two days after the race, biking to work and getting on with life, if I can get through every single day with a lowered immune system and an allergy to gluten, what can't I do?
Sometimes I don't understand why I am still here, what I am supposed to be doing with this ridiculous life I've been given. Life can be so hard, and it seems like it would be easy to give up too often. I don't know what to eat; I have to take supplements and medicines because no matter how much kale I eat, my folic acid levels are just too low. Etc., etc., etc. None of this is important. What matters is that I am still here; I can still run and bike and do one whole pull-up. There are all these wonderful things and even though I am struggling with celiac and my weight and energy levels, life is So Good! I guess I'll just keep working on it, eating steak and Greek yogurt and maybe just suck it up and go buy new shorts. Thanks for checking in; that's what's been on my mind lately. Hopefully I'll write more frequently about how this whole celiac/nutrition/running/biking/hiking mountains thing goes. I've given myself a three-week break from running, but I miss it so it's time to start running more, eating more, thinking less about the negative, focusing on the awesome. So much awesome...
Showing posts with label motivation. Show all posts
Showing posts with label motivation. Show all posts
Sunday, May 6, 2012
Monday, January 30, 2012
Cigarettes and chocolate milk
No, no; that's not quite right. More like, herbal tea and clementines. And yet, I wish I could sit here throwing down Horizon organic chocolate milk and puffing away on American Spirits (tempering vice with virtue). For the past four days, I have been on a "vacation," which, for me, entails taking a week to myself back home in Chicago. No plans, just totally vegging out. Shoot; I had Chipotle today for the first time in a Long Time. I have not had a straight week without working in nearly two years. My life has been what it has been, and I will say nothing one way or the other, but I have gotten pretty tired. Tired of working at a job that I enjoy but don't love and cannot see myself remaining in for much longer. The past two years have brought their share of ups and downs, neither necessarily trumping the other, but life is still exhausting when you don't stop, when you do not take a minute to slow everything down and let yourself breathe deeply into yourself.
We get so wrapped up in the day-to-day difficulties of existence and pushing ourselves toward some generally unknown goal or future that we forget to take care of ourselves in the present tense. We forget that we are alive Right Now, and that matters so much more than whatever life we may be living in the Future. Right now, my life is full of so many wonderful, terrifying and stressful things, and I just don't quite have the energy to fully appreciate and acknowledge each of them. I am struggling with this running, struggling to stay motivated, struggling beyond belief to start amassing those so-called "long runs." I fear, too, that my fundraising has stagnated and I will end up disappointing the organization that took a huge risk with me. Blah blah blah, job un-fulfillment, nagging food issues, blah blah. Here, please let me take this opportunity to verbalize every mundane and stupid gripe I have with the world.
No, no; that is definitely not right either. I am falling in love; I am filled with hope for my future. I cannot wait to get back to Denver because being here has reminded me just why I was so eager to leave in the first place. The Midwest is beautiful: there is beauty in the barren trees and fields and snow-covered tracts of land hinting that spring is not really so far off if you can just hold out a little bit longer... Appreciate the rare, fiery sunset in January in Chicago. I needed this break so badly, even if I feel guilty for the amount I have Not run. It was nice to be able to sit in my old Starbucks, say hi to some of the regular customers, reflect on how different I feel today. But I am certainly not a suburban girl, and I have made a home for myself in Denver. Denver, a city I moved to on little more than a whim, has taken hold of me and has no plans to let go any time soon. Maybe four months ago, I was looking out a window at a snow-capped mountain, and I had this overwhelming sensation of Rightness. That everything I had gone through and experienced, all of my choices and mistakes and unconscious decisions had led me right to this exact place and life was exactly how it should be.
I still have glimpses of that sensation every once in a while, but they have been rare this winter. Not that I have forgotten, but I, like most people, have gotten away from truly appreciating my present and where I am right now. My winter has so far been emotionally draining and physically tough, and I have no idea if I can do all of this, and I have even less of an idea of where my life is taking me. My life has changed and I have grown so much over the past year; it is unbelievable. Last year, living in Chicago, I was just trying to survive. Now, I am surrounded by mountains and so much love and so many possibilities... We can plan as much as we want or need to, but really, life is going to happen how it does and we just have to appreciate what we are given and where it takes us.
And love. We have to love so much, appreciate everything and everyone that comes into our lives. Better or worse, we are stronger people for the experiences we have, for the way we are touched and touch others' lives. So sure, it would be much easier to give in to cravings for cigarettes and chocolate milk and self-destruction, but it is so much Better to stop and look around and acknowledge that life is crazy and wonderful and why not just let it wash over us and appreciate all that we have been given.
Thinking less. Trying to run more, but also not really worrying about it....
We get so wrapped up in the day-to-day difficulties of existence and pushing ourselves toward some generally unknown goal or future that we forget to take care of ourselves in the present tense. We forget that we are alive Right Now, and that matters so much more than whatever life we may be living in the Future. Right now, my life is full of so many wonderful, terrifying and stressful things, and I just don't quite have the energy to fully appreciate and acknowledge each of them. I am struggling with this running, struggling to stay motivated, struggling beyond belief to start amassing those so-called "long runs." I fear, too, that my fundraising has stagnated and I will end up disappointing the organization that took a huge risk with me. Blah blah blah, job un-fulfillment, nagging food issues, blah blah. Here, please let me take this opportunity to verbalize every mundane and stupid gripe I have with the world.
No, no; that is definitely not right either. I am falling in love; I am filled with hope for my future. I cannot wait to get back to Denver because being here has reminded me just why I was so eager to leave in the first place. The Midwest is beautiful: there is beauty in the barren trees and fields and snow-covered tracts of land hinting that spring is not really so far off if you can just hold out a little bit longer... Appreciate the rare, fiery sunset in January in Chicago. I needed this break so badly, even if I feel guilty for the amount I have Not run. It was nice to be able to sit in my old Starbucks, say hi to some of the regular customers, reflect on how different I feel today. But I am certainly not a suburban girl, and I have made a home for myself in Denver. Denver, a city I moved to on little more than a whim, has taken hold of me and has no plans to let go any time soon. Maybe four months ago, I was looking out a window at a snow-capped mountain, and I had this overwhelming sensation of Rightness. That everything I had gone through and experienced, all of my choices and mistakes and unconscious decisions had led me right to this exact place and life was exactly how it should be.
I still have glimpses of that sensation every once in a while, but they have been rare this winter. Not that I have forgotten, but I, like most people, have gotten away from truly appreciating my present and where I am right now. My winter has so far been emotionally draining and physically tough, and I have no idea if I can do all of this, and I have even less of an idea of where my life is taking me. My life has changed and I have grown so much over the past year; it is unbelievable. Last year, living in Chicago, I was just trying to survive. Now, I am surrounded by mountains and so much love and so many possibilities... We can plan as much as we want or need to, but really, life is going to happen how it does and we just have to appreciate what we are given and where it takes us.
And love. We have to love so much, appreciate everything and everyone that comes into our lives. Better or worse, we are stronger people for the experiences we have, for the way we are touched and touch others' lives. So sure, it would be much easier to give in to cravings for cigarettes and chocolate milk and self-destruction, but it is so much Better to stop and look around and acknowledge that life is crazy and wonderful and why not just let it wash over us and appreciate all that we have been given.
Thinking less. Trying to run more, but also not really worrying about it....
Wednesday, January 11, 2012
Writer's block?
Maybe, kind of, sort of, but not really. Really what happened is my computer has been acting completely out of control lately. Basically, it won't stay on. I am not quite sure why any of this is happening, but for the past few weeks, I have been without a computer. Life without a laptop is terribly disconcerting, especially when a significant portion of the reason for your existence is centered around your computer. (Okay, maybe that's a stretch, but I am a photographer and if I have no computer, I have no way of doing anything for or with my images and it is a bad scene.)
Besides being unable to upload my photography, I have not really been able to do much in terms of fundraising for this marathon I am running in nearly 3 Months. I am still nowhere near my goal of $7000, though I have already raised a lot of money and Thank You!! if you have donated. But I am trying to organize a benefit in early March, trying to write letters of solicitation and find organizations willing to donate items for an auction, trying to find a venue to host this entire shindig. All of these things are possible without a computer but they are infinitely more difficult for a person who has grown up with a keyboard at her fingertips. Also, I have basically no idea what I am doing, and for whatever reason, I at least feel like I am accomplishing something when I am Googling things and typing letters and reading about training plans on different running websites.
Oh, running. Of course, there has been running. At least, there had been running up until about this past Saturday, when I started getting that obnoxious scratch right at the back of my throat, surely you know the one: you swallow, and your throat burns and itches a bit; it becomes more difficult to consume solid foods because there seems to be a little swelling happening at the base of your tongue. And it can all only mean one thing: despite all my best efforts, prayers, and vitamin C consumption, I have fallen prey to the dreaded winter cold. I know exactly what happened, too. I stayed out too late on New Year's Eve, worked too many hours the following week, started running farther distances (8 miles!), and I walk or bike everywhere regardless of the time or weather because I don't have a car. On top of all this business, the reality is that my immune system is depleted, and there is nothing I can do about it. So, while maybe not inevitable, the chances of my catching a stupid bug are pretty high. The good news is that I am babying myself, drinking absurd quantities of water, and I had my three-weekly infusion of immunotherapy yesterday, so that should hopefully help.
I was supposed to have run 10 miles this past weekend. I did not. I actually ran 2 miles yesterday before stopping, doubled over in pain because had I thought it would be a good idea to eat not-exactly-lean chicken thighs and some avocado as a pre-run snack. It was not. Fats: not good to eat before a run. Fact: your gut will hate you. Today it is snowing all over the place in Denver. It will be a nice walk to work, but no run today, either. Hopefully tomorrow I can get my stuff together and make it happen. Otherwise, it will be back in the 50s this weekend, and I still have to get my 10 miles in.
So, life. This life we live is full of obstacles and setbacks and too often things don't go exactly how we would like them to. But we are still here, still living and breathing (and coughing?) and running and getting through each day as best as we can. Which, really, I suppose is all we can ask of ourselves. So, best of luck to you today. Like I said, it is a winter wonderland in Denver today, and I am in love with life even though it is so frustrating all of the time. 10 miles will happen eventually.
Less thinking, more running....
Besides being unable to upload my photography, I have not really been able to do much in terms of fundraising for this marathon I am running in nearly 3 Months. I am still nowhere near my goal of $7000, though I have already raised a lot of money and Thank You!! if you have donated. But I am trying to organize a benefit in early March, trying to write letters of solicitation and find organizations willing to donate items for an auction, trying to find a venue to host this entire shindig. All of these things are possible without a computer but they are infinitely more difficult for a person who has grown up with a keyboard at her fingertips. Also, I have basically no idea what I am doing, and for whatever reason, I at least feel like I am accomplishing something when I am Googling things and typing letters and reading about training plans on different running websites.
Oh, running. Of course, there has been running. At least, there had been running up until about this past Saturday, when I started getting that obnoxious scratch right at the back of my throat, surely you know the one: you swallow, and your throat burns and itches a bit; it becomes more difficult to consume solid foods because there seems to be a little swelling happening at the base of your tongue. And it can all only mean one thing: despite all my best efforts, prayers, and vitamin C consumption, I have fallen prey to the dreaded winter cold. I know exactly what happened, too. I stayed out too late on New Year's Eve, worked too many hours the following week, started running farther distances (8 miles!), and I walk or bike everywhere regardless of the time or weather because I don't have a car. On top of all this business, the reality is that my immune system is depleted, and there is nothing I can do about it. So, while maybe not inevitable, the chances of my catching a stupid bug are pretty high. The good news is that I am babying myself, drinking absurd quantities of water, and I had my three-weekly infusion of immunotherapy yesterday, so that should hopefully help.
I was supposed to have run 10 miles this past weekend. I did not. I actually ran 2 miles yesterday before stopping, doubled over in pain because had I thought it would be a good idea to eat not-exactly-lean chicken thighs and some avocado as a pre-run snack. It was not. Fats: not good to eat before a run. Fact: your gut will hate you. Today it is snowing all over the place in Denver. It will be a nice walk to work, but no run today, either. Hopefully tomorrow I can get my stuff together and make it happen. Otherwise, it will be back in the 50s this weekend, and I still have to get my 10 miles in.
So, life. This life we live is full of obstacles and setbacks and too often things don't go exactly how we would like them to. But we are still here, still living and breathing (and coughing?) and running and getting through each day as best as we can. Which, really, I suppose is all we can ask of ourselves. So, best of luck to you today. Like I said, it is a winter wonderland in Denver today, and I am in love with life even though it is so frustrating all of the time. 10 miles will happen eventually.
Less thinking, more running....
Friday, December 16, 2011
Oh hello, blog!
Without making excuses for myself, I know I should be updating this more frequently. Life, however, sometimes gets in the way, and the past two weeks have just been jam-packed with running, working, working some more, running a little bit more, and a decent amount of socializing. Hooray! Life. If you find yourself jonesing for that Caroline-fix though, you can always follow me on twitter: @cc_bridges. How's that for a shameless plug?
So I haven't actually been running as much as I would like. Without grossing anyone out too much, I have been having some gnarly intestinal/digestion issues, and they are seriously detracting from my desire to pound out the miles. I am struggling with what to eat that won't give me crazy stomach cramps, especially what to eat before I go for a run. For my mid-week runs, which aren't that long and typically in the morning, I seem to be okay with water and an energy gel right before I head out. The difficulties lie with the long runs, for which I need more energy (calories...). When and what should I eat to be properly fueled without having to run to a bathroom after 40 minutes? This weekend should be an interesting test: I am supposed to run 8 miles, my longest run yet in this training regime. I didn't think I could run six miles straight a few weeks ago, but I somehow did. I don't know if I'll get eight miles straight, but we'll see what happens. I've read a bit about visualization and the idea that if you picture your run and picture yourself killing it, it will go well. So I am trying to visualize eight miles, picturing pushing past that six-mile limit I have so far reached. Again, we'll see how it all ends up.
What defines a "runner?" Is it your speed, the distance you can run, your body fat percentage? Or is it something more fundamental than that, a less quantifiable knowledge or belief in this certain activity? Possibly it is different for everyone and so not fairly definable. I have always sort of considered myself a runner, even when I was sick or in the ensuing years when I wasn't running regularly. It seems to be a key factor in my happiness, in my general acceptance of the daily trials that naturally arise in our lives. Yesterday, I went in to work having slept over nine hours and eaten a healthy, satisfying breakfast. Yet, something was noticeably off, and one of my coworkers asked if I was okay. I thought about it and realized that, actually, I felt like a slug, sort of merely pushing through the air, going through the motions. I wasn't fully present. And I realized that it was most likely because I hadn't run earlier in the morning. My body hadn't been jump-started into life with a run in sub-freezing temperatures, greeted by the sunrise. My endorphins remained dormant and my energy levels just weren't what they normally are.
Even this morning, I struggled to push myself out the door knowing how warm my apartment was. I actually cut my run short by about half a mile because I had reached my coffee shop and was pretty cold. But I still chugged out those four miles in 20-degrees and unlimited early-morning sunshine, and I feel so different this morning, so much more alert and functional. So, I guess that's what makes me a runner: on the days I don't run, I just don't feel like myself. In fact, I feel terrible. I may not be the most hardcore (just look at my diet...), but my heart is fully in it. If you define yourself as a runner, why and how? I'd like to know!
Thanks so much for stopping by, and happy weekend to all! Thinking less, running more...
So I haven't actually been running as much as I would like. Without grossing anyone out too much, I have been having some gnarly intestinal/digestion issues, and they are seriously detracting from my desire to pound out the miles. I am struggling with what to eat that won't give me crazy stomach cramps, especially what to eat before I go for a run. For my mid-week runs, which aren't that long and typically in the morning, I seem to be okay with water and an energy gel right before I head out. The difficulties lie with the long runs, for which I need more energy (calories...). When and what should I eat to be properly fueled without having to run to a bathroom after 40 minutes? This weekend should be an interesting test: I am supposed to run 8 miles, my longest run yet in this training regime. I didn't think I could run six miles straight a few weeks ago, but I somehow did. I don't know if I'll get eight miles straight, but we'll see what happens. I've read a bit about visualization and the idea that if you picture your run and picture yourself killing it, it will go well. So I am trying to visualize eight miles, picturing pushing past that six-mile limit I have so far reached. Again, we'll see how it all ends up.
What defines a "runner?" Is it your speed, the distance you can run, your body fat percentage? Or is it something more fundamental than that, a less quantifiable knowledge or belief in this certain activity? Possibly it is different for everyone and so not fairly definable. I have always sort of considered myself a runner, even when I was sick or in the ensuing years when I wasn't running regularly. It seems to be a key factor in my happiness, in my general acceptance of the daily trials that naturally arise in our lives. Yesterday, I went in to work having slept over nine hours and eaten a healthy, satisfying breakfast. Yet, something was noticeably off, and one of my coworkers asked if I was okay. I thought about it and realized that, actually, I felt like a slug, sort of merely pushing through the air, going through the motions. I wasn't fully present. And I realized that it was most likely because I hadn't run earlier in the morning. My body hadn't been jump-started into life with a run in sub-freezing temperatures, greeted by the sunrise. My endorphins remained dormant and my energy levels just weren't what they normally are.
Even this morning, I struggled to push myself out the door knowing how warm my apartment was. I actually cut my run short by about half a mile because I had reached my coffee shop and was pretty cold. But I still chugged out those four miles in 20-degrees and unlimited early-morning sunshine, and I feel so different this morning, so much more alert and functional. So, I guess that's what makes me a runner: on the days I don't run, I just don't feel like myself. In fact, I feel terrible. I may not be the most hardcore (just look at my diet...), but my heart is fully in it. If you define yourself as a runner, why and how? I'd like to know!
Thanks so much for stopping by, and happy weekend to all! Thinking less, running more...
Sunday, November 20, 2011
This is only the beginning
Yesterday I had the run I had hoped for on Friday. 4.2 miles after work on a brisk November afternoon with clouds scudding across the sky and the wind cutting over the mountains but not into my new cold-weather running shirt. My breathing was easy and my legs weren't hurting at all. My muscles were a tad sore later in the afternoon, but after a dinner of sockeye salmon and roasted vegetables, I felt good to go all over again. Today was my so-called rest day, which involved work in the morning and football and beer in the afternoon. I'd say it was a successful rest day, although I certainly could have eaten better. Soon enough, I'll be heading to bed for hopefully some good sleeps.
Tomorrow, the week starts all over again. Here is my question to myself: will I be able to get out of bed and run again in the morning? The only way to get better is to keep trying, keep pushing myself. Historically, though, I have had a hard time pushing myself into and through difficult situations. No, really! With few exceptions, notably ones involving poetry analyses and photo opportunities, I have tended towards the easy road. Even with the Chicago Marathon, I could have trained harder, tried harder and maybe finished in less pain. I want this so badly, but it is going to be So Hard. Everything is important - staying healthy; stretching properly; the amount of sleep I get; properly fueling myself; maintaining a level of confidence in myself; believing this is possible.
Believe in the possibility that this will all work out the way it is supposed to... I can't afford to doubt myself, but there are many weeks ahead and many early mornings and long slogs through possibly not-so-sunny afternoons. I am full of uncertainty and candied pecans (thanks to my roommate...) and life may still amaze me every day but it isn't great right now. Tomorrow brings with it so much potential. Basically, this post is just to throw it all out there that I am so terribly human, and this is one hell of a difficult task I've given myself. But it will all be worth it, in the end, if I can make it happen.
Best of luck with your tomorrows. Hopefully you can find something to look forward to... I work at a coffee shop and like to ask my customers while they're waiting for me to finish their delicious beverage: What are you looking forward to today? Most people don't consider that question on their own; I truly like to know and to get people thinking about something awesome in their lives. Everyone has something awesome to look forward to, even if it's only sitting for 10 minutes with a chai and some good music. So. Figure out what you've got to look forward to tomorrow or today or whenever. Good luck. We all need it.
Tomorrow, the week starts all over again. Here is my question to myself: will I be able to get out of bed and run again in the morning? The only way to get better is to keep trying, keep pushing myself. Historically, though, I have had a hard time pushing myself into and through difficult situations. No, really! With few exceptions, notably ones involving poetry analyses and photo opportunities, I have tended towards the easy road. Even with the Chicago Marathon, I could have trained harder, tried harder and maybe finished in less pain. I want this so badly, but it is going to be So Hard. Everything is important - staying healthy; stretching properly; the amount of sleep I get; properly fueling myself; maintaining a level of confidence in myself; believing this is possible.
Believe in the possibility that this will all work out the way it is supposed to... I can't afford to doubt myself, but there are many weeks ahead and many early mornings and long slogs through possibly not-so-sunny afternoons. I am full of uncertainty and candied pecans (thanks to my roommate...) and life may still amaze me every day but it isn't great right now. Tomorrow brings with it so much potential. Basically, this post is just to throw it all out there that I am so terribly human, and this is one hell of a difficult task I've given myself. But it will all be worth it, in the end, if I can make it happen.
Best of luck with your tomorrows. Hopefully you can find something to look forward to... I work at a coffee shop and like to ask my customers while they're waiting for me to finish their delicious beverage: What are you looking forward to today? Most people don't consider that question on their own; I truly like to know and to get people thinking about something awesome in their lives. Everyone has something awesome to look forward to, even if it's only sitting for 10 minutes with a chai and some good music. So. Figure out what you've got to look forward to tomorrow or today or whenever. Good luck. We all need it.
Friday, November 18, 2011
The thing about pain
There are so many different types of it. A friend of mine has been in an absurd amount of pain this week because her wisdom teeth are giving her too much grief. She is on some heavy duty painkillers that are causing their own difficulties, particularly the side effects. Sadly, there isn't much she can do about it until she has the teeth pulled, in two weeks. Yesterday, I went for a run for the first time in 13 days, and I felt great. I ran 3.5 miles at a moderate pace, and I was amazed that my body could do such a thing after so valiantly battling the Sickness. Yet today when I tried to run, there was the pain; there, the fatigue. And later today, I realized my legs were super sore because I had asked them to pick right up where we left off two weeks ago. My body may be mostly recovered from the cold, but I can't ignore that I was pretty much inactive for a decent period of time. So much for easing back into it.
Physical pain: we feel it, acknowledge it, then do what we can to push past it. We take the Advils and Tylenols and whatever else to reduce the inflammation and the discomfort. We recognize that our bodies are hurting from lack of use, but we stretch it out and walk it off. We run again tomorrow. That stuff is easy. There are other types of pain, less obvious, more sinister for their sneakiness. The pain of loss; the pain of heartbreak. I've been dealing with that pain today. I thought I could run it away, or run away from it, but 20 minutes into my run this morning, the fact that I'm "out of shape," and hardly slept last night caught up with me. My legs were hurting, but that discomfort did nothing to take away the numb tightness in my chest that had nothing to do with my heart rate. What do you do with that pain? Drugs don't do a thing for it, really. Running may abate it for 20 or 40 or 70 minutes, but then it comes slouching back in, snuggling up where that warm fuzzy feeling used to live.
I have heard that Time helps. Eventually, feeling returns and the little pieces of yourself that you'd given away gradually heal over. In high school, I started running as a means of avoiding my personal demons. Those specific demons are long gone. I run now for myself and for my health, and if I can, I run to inspire and do something for others. Right now, it would be so easy and so much more comfortable to crawl in bed and stay there, nursing these stupid emotional wounds, filling the tiny holes in my heart with hot chocolate and refined carbohydrates. But that would be counterproductive and beneficial to nobody, least of all First Descents and the people I have supporting my running endeavors.
The thing about pain is that you can only give in to it so much before you have to take a step back, reassess the situation, and figure out what else you can do. If it's physical pain that you know won't go away for a while, you grin (if you can) and bear it. You still have a life to live. If the pain is much deeper than that and emanates from somewhere dark and private inside you, you still have a life to live. I still have this crazy life to live and a race to run and the more I train, the stronger I become, in general.
Last night, still in shock over the sadness wrench that had just been thrown in my previously extraordinarily happy life, I asked a very good friend what on earth I am supposed to do now. She, in her fantastic, straightforward NorCal way, replied, "No one ever knows what they are doing, and it's a miracle that any of us survive any of this kind of shit at all." Who knows why any of us are still here, with all the small tragedies that happen every single day. I believe everything balances out, and I have to hope that things happen for a reason. Although I still have no idea what I'm doing, really. I know tomorrow I'm going for a run; I know I'll still be writing about running and life and so many other things. I know it's going to be sunny in Denver tomorrow, and I have a lovely little sockeye fillet waiting for me when I get home from work. I know for sure that most every pain comes and goes, and this is no different. It will just take time. Meanwhile, the road is beckoning, calling louder than my bed and self-pity. Although I don't know how right now, I know this, too, shall pass.
Thanks much. Happy weekend, Please!! enjoy it.
Physical pain: we feel it, acknowledge it, then do what we can to push past it. We take the Advils and Tylenols and whatever else to reduce the inflammation and the discomfort. We recognize that our bodies are hurting from lack of use, but we stretch it out and walk it off. We run again tomorrow. That stuff is easy. There are other types of pain, less obvious, more sinister for their sneakiness. The pain of loss; the pain of heartbreak. I've been dealing with that pain today. I thought I could run it away, or run away from it, but 20 minutes into my run this morning, the fact that I'm "out of shape," and hardly slept last night caught up with me. My legs were hurting, but that discomfort did nothing to take away the numb tightness in my chest that had nothing to do with my heart rate. What do you do with that pain? Drugs don't do a thing for it, really. Running may abate it for 20 or 40 or 70 minutes, but then it comes slouching back in, snuggling up where that warm fuzzy feeling used to live.
I have heard that Time helps. Eventually, feeling returns and the little pieces of yourself that you'd given away gradually heal over. In high school, I started running as a means of avoiding my personal demons. Those specific demons are long gone. I run now for myself and for my health, and if I can, I run to inspire and do something for others. Right now, it would be so easy and so much more comfortable to crawl in bed and stay there, nursing these stupid emotional wounds, filling the tiny holes in my heart with hot chocolate and refined carbohydrates. But that would be counterproductive and beneficial to nobody, least of all First Descents and the people I have supporting my running endeavors.
The thing about pain is that you can only give in to it so much before you have to take a step back, reassess the situation, and figure out what else you can do. If it's physical pain that you know won't go away for a while, you grin (if you can) and bear it. You still have a life to live. If the pain is much deeper than that and emanates from somewhere dark and private inside you, you still have a life to live. I still have this crazy life to live and a race to run and the more I train, the stronger I become, in general.
Last night, still in shock over the sadness wrench that had just been thrown in my previously extraordinarily happy life, I asked a very good friend what on earth I am supposed to do now. She, in her fantastic, straightforward NorCal way, replied, "No one ever knows what they are doing, and it's a miracle that any of us survive any of this kind of shit at all." Who knows why any of us are still here, with all the small tragedies that happen every single day. I believe everything balances out, and I have to hope that things happen for a reason. Although I still have no idea what I'm doing, really. I know tomorrow I'm going for a run; I know I'll still be writing about running and life and so many other things. I know it's going to be sunny in Denver tomorrow, and I have a lovely little sockeye fillet waiting for me when I get home from work. I know for sure that most every pain comes and goes, and this is no different. It will just take time. Meanwhile, the road is beckoning, calling louder than my bed and self-pity. Although I don't know how right now, I know this, too, shall pass.
Thanks much. Happy weekend, Please!! enjoy it.
Sunday, November 13, 2011
Sunday Funday
Which, for me, entails sitting in front of a fire with coffee and chocolate (and Emergen-C). Even better, today's SundayFunday is taking place in the middle of a snowstorm in the mountains. I am toasty and so happy with life. A friend and I drove to the mountains last night - he is skiing today, and I am relaxing. But really, there is no better way or place to chill out and try and keep pushing this sickness as far away from me as possible.
I have not run in one week, and apparently (according to Dr. Mom), colds last 7-10 days. Hopefully this is only a small setback and I'll start feeling normal soon. I need to start training hardcorz! Because...... On April 16, I will be running in the 116th Boston Marathon!
It's official: First Descents received a handful of charity spots for the marathon, and I was lucky enough to be given one of the spots. In April of 2006, I was a freshman at Boston University and a sometime runner, though never running much longer than 30 minutes or so. I did not understand what "Marathon Monday" meant to the people of Boston and Massachusetts in general. Yet on that Patriot's Day, when I was walking down Comm Ave and Boylston Street on my way to work, I was swept up in the energy of the crowd, the mass of runners making their way down the avenues I walked every day. My friends and most of the college students in the city were all drinking and cheering on the streets; people had beer pong tables set up in front of their brownstones. Children held out orange slices and were overjoyed when a runner took one. It was a huge party for 26.2 miles through Massachusetts, with everyone turning out to support a bunch of crazy runners. When I ran Chicago, I got some of that energy from the city, but I don't know if anything can come close to Boston.
I certainly wanted to, but I never believed I would ever actually get the chance to run the Boston Marathon. I run, but not quickly - the chances of my qualifying get smaller every year as the times keep getting more difficult. But this! This is an opportunity to take part in one of the most famous marathons in the world and to do it with an organization that has facilitated so much of my acceptance of survivorship.
I am attempting to raise $7000 for First Descents. I have a new Fundraising Page! that, if you feel kind enough to donate, you should use instead of my former FD one. Share the page, share the good news. This is going to be so difficult. Honestly, I am freaking out already even just thinking about the months ahead. 7K is a Lot of money, and 26.2 are a LOT of miles to not only run all at once but to also train for. Yet, something in me is telling me that I can do this. We shall see... I hope you'll follow along with my progress and updates on here and on the Twitters (@cc_bridges). So much excitement ahead.
Thank you so much for your support, and here we go!
Fundraising link:
http://www.crowdrise.com/TeamFDBoston2012/fundraiser/CarolineBridges
I have not run in one week, and apparently (according to Dr. Mom), colds last 7-10 days. Hopefully this is only a small setback and I'll start feeling normal soon. I need to start training hardcorz! Because...... On April 16, I will be running in the 116th Boston Marathon!
It's official: First Descents received a handful of charity spots for the marathon, and I was lucky enough to be given one of the spots. In April of 2006, I was a freshman at Boston University and a sometime runner, though never running much longer than 30 minutes or so. I did not understand what "Marathon Monday" meant to the people of Boston and Massachusetts in general. Yet on that Patriot's Day, when I was walking down Comm Ave and Boylston Street on my way to work, I was swept up in the energy of the crowd, the mass of runners making their way down the avenues I walked every day. My friends and most of the college students in the city were all drinking and cheering on the streets; people had beer pong tables set up in front of their brownstones. Children held out orange slices and were overjoyed when a runner took one. It was a huge party for 26.2 miles through Massachusetts, with everyone turning out to support a bunch of crazy runners. When I ran Chicago, I got some of that energy from the city, but I don't know if anything can come close to Boston.
I certainly wanted to, but I never believed I would ever actually get the chance to run the Boston Marathon. I run, but not quickly - the chances of my qualifying get smaller every year as the times keep getting more difficult. But this! This is an opportunity to take part in one of the most famous marathons in the world and to do it with an organization that has facilitated so much of my acceptance of survivorship.
I am attempting to raise $7000 for First Descents. I have a new Fundraising Page! that, if you feel kind enough to donate, you should use instead of my former FD one. Share the page, share the good news. This is going to be so difficult. Honestly, I am freaking out already even just thinking about the months ahead. 7K is a Lot of money, and 26.2 are a LOT of miles to not only run all at once but to also train for. Yet, something in me is telling me that I can do this. We shall see... I hope you'll follow along with my progress and updates on here and on the Twitters (@cc_bridges). So much excitement ahead.
Thank you so much for your support, and here we go!
Fundraising link:
http://www.crowdrise.com/TeamFDBoston2012/fundraiser/CarolineBridges
Friday, March 4, 2011
Fridazed
Right now, I am plopped in front of the window in the front room of my house, looking at the yellowed grass and blearily uniform gray sky. It is close to 50 degrees outside, but it is also terribly damp and weirdly chilly. Instead of lacing up my new Nikes and pulling on some short running pants or long running shorts (depending), I am nursing four shots of espresso laced with nonfat milk and cinnamon-y sugar.
It is finally the first week of March and I have not blogged as much as I would like, and I have run even less. My 30 kilometre road race is in 23 days. Only recently have I accepted that I probably shouldn't have signed up for it, that I do not have the mental fortitude to train through the winter. I just can. not. get. off. my. ass. I both am and am not making excuses for being unprepared for this run. Clearly, mine are lame excuses, but they are also explanations. It is a fact that I get severely down during the winter. And this winter, we have had so little sunlight, so few truly beautiful days. I know and admire and am (truthfully) a little jealous of my friends who remain functional all 12 months of the year. The key for me, then, is to accept that I am not one of those people and not let myself feel too guilty about it. It isn't like I stopped running altogether; I just ran less and at later times in the day. There was no chance of finding me awake and eager to run 12 miles at 6 a.m. Perhaps it is SADness; maybe it is just the lack of intellectual stimuli in most aspects of my life these past few months.
But it is finally March. I can actually hear some birds outside right now who had been wintering down south.
And I do still have a race to run in 23 days; I am not going to bail. I am going to do what I can between now and then, and then I am just going to enjoy myself on March 27. (Unless it is 35 degrees and raining, then, yes, I will be bailing.) There are very, very few constants in this world. People, beliefs, seasons, everything changes. This time in my life, too, will pass. This winter, these suburbs, this unmotivated blob I have become... I am changing everything.
In two months, I am moving to Denver. No idea what I will do with myself once there, but it is a change. It is a giant leap into the unknown world of self-reliance and growing up. I think I am even going to sign up for the Denver Marathon (October 9...!) because I want to keep growing, and I need to have established goals. May 1: move. October 9: run. In between: Live Fully. (and if anyone knows of any job openings in and/or around Denver, please let me know! Hooray!) Plus it will give me something fun to blog about.
So. Running. Thinking. Making it happen.
It is finally the first week of March and I have not blogged as much as I would like, and I have run even less. My 30 kilometre road race is in 23 days. Only recently have I accepted that I probably shouldn't have signed up for it, that I do not have the mental fortitude to train through the winter. I just can. not. get. off. my. ass. I both am and am not making excuses for being unprepared for this run. Clearly, mine are lame excuses, but they are also explanations. It is a fact that I get severely down during the winter. And this winter, we have had so little sunlight, so few truly beautiful days. I know and admire and am (truthfully) a little jealous of my friends who remain functional all 12 months of the year. The key for me, then, is to accept that I am not one of those people and not let myself feel too guilty about it. It isn't like I stopped running altogether; I just ran less and at later times in the day. There was no chance of finding me awake and eager to run 12 miles at 6 a.m. Perhaps it is SADness; maybe it is just the lack of intellectual stimuli in most aspects of my life these past few months.
But it is finally March. I can actually hear some birds outside right now who had been wintering down south.
And I do still have a race to run in 23 days; I am not going to bail. I am going to do what I can between now and then, and then I am just going to enjoy myself on March 27. (Unless it is 35 degrees and raining, then, yes, I will be bailing.) There are very, very few constants in this world. People, beliefs, seasons, everything changes. This time in my life, too, will pass. This winter, these suburbs, this unmotivated blob I have become... I am changing everything.
In two months, I am moving to Denver. No idea what I will do with myself once there, but it is a change. It is a giant leap into the unknown world of self-reliance and growing up. I think I am even going to sign up for the Denver Marathon (October 9...!) because I want to keep growing, and I need to have established goals. May 1: move. October 9: run. In between: Live Fully. (and if anyone knows of any job openings in and/or around Denver, please let me know! Hooray!) Plus it will give me something fun to blog about.
So. Running. Thinking. Making it happen.
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