...oh well.

No run, just a lot of chocolate, a lot of reading, and one indie film from 2005.  Oh yeah, and a face full of sinus congestion.  So much sinus congestion....  That whole "not being able to breathe" thing will really do you in.  So I am heading to bed very soon, and hopefully this will all be over shortly.  Hooray late-winter colds! 

Fridazed

Right now, I am plopped in front of the window in the front room of my house, looking at the yellowed grass and blearily uniform gray sky.  It is close to 50 degrees outside, but it is also terribly damp and weirdly chilly.  Instead of lacing up my new Nikes and pulling on some short running pants or long running shorts (depending), I am nursing four shots of espresso laced with nonfat milk and cinnamon-y sugar.

It is finally the first week of March and I have not blogged as much as I would like, and I have run even less.  My 30 kilometre road race is in 23 days.  Only recently have I accepted that I probably shouldn't have signed up for it, that I do not have the mental fortitude to train through the winter.  I just can. not. get. off. my. ass.  I both am and am not making excuses for being unprepared for this run.  Clearly, mine are lame excuses, but they are also explanations.  It is a fact that I get severely down during the winter.  And this winter, we have had so little sunlight, so few truly beautiful days.  I know and admire and am (truthfully) a little jealous of my friends who remain functional all 12 months of the year.  The key for me, then, is to accept that I am not one of those people and not let myself feel too guilty about it.  It isn't like I stopped running altogether; I just ran less and at later times in the day.  There was no chance of finding me awake and eager to run 12 miles at 6 a.m.  Perhaps it is SADness; maybe it is just the lack of intellectual stimuli in most aspects of my life these past few months.

But it is finally March.  I can actually hear some birds outside right now who had been wintering down south.

And I do still have a race to run in 23 days; I am not going to bail.  I am going to do what I can between now and then, and then I am just going to enjoy myself on March 27.  (Unless it is 35 degrees and raining, then, yes, I will be bailing.)  There are very, very few constants in this world.  People, beliefs, seasons, everything changes.  This time in my life, too, will pass.  This winter, these suburbs, this unmotivated blob I have become...  I am changing everything.

In two months, I am moving to Denver.  No idea what I will do with myself once there, but it is a change.  It is a giant leap into the unknown world of self-reliance and growing up.  I think I am even going to sign up for the Denver Marathon (October 9...!) because I want to keep growing, and I need to have established goals.  May 1: move.  October 9: run.  In between: Live Fully.  (and if anyone knows of any job openings in and/or around Denver, please let me know!  Hooray!)  Plus it will give me something fun to blog about.

So.  Running.  Thinking.  Making it happen.

Cost-Benefit analysis

The benefit of taking a few days off vs. the cost of taking a few days off.  While probably not advisable all the time, I didn't run the past four days.  Blame it on mild injuries or hormones or just plain laziness, but there it is.  The cost - I ate too much and felt guilty every day that I didn't run.  Today, however, I was mentally and physically ready to go out and run.  It helped that it was sunny and something like 40 degrees outside.  So I stepped out my door and plugged through 6.5 miles.  (!)  That's the farthest I've run since before Christmas.  The benefit - Having been given a bit of a break, my body was healed and ready to go for a longer run, even though I haven't logged a long run in quite a few weeks.  In this instance, the benefit of my lassitude outweighed the cost.  I don't feel broken or winded or that I overdid it today either.

There is a couple in our little town who runs every day.  Or 6 days a week, at the least.  I'm not sure if they are any more, but I know they used to be relatively competitive, running Boston a few times.  I have nearly limitless admiration for these two, partly because of their dedication, but also because they're really nice people.  Nothing gets in the way of their morning runs.  Even last week, when the morning's temperatures were somewhere around 0 degrees (yes, Zero), they were out.  Although, on Thursday she qualified, "We only did about four miles this morning."  Right.  No big deal.

Perhaps their bodies are so finely tuned that they don't need to take any stretches of time off or only rarely.  Their morning runs are just a thing like any other thing they do during their day.  Wake up, run, breakfast, work, etc.  It is their routine.  So what am I missing that I can't incorporate running into my daily routine?  I suppose part of my problem is that my days are not routine.  My work schedule changes almost weekly, and I work funky hours: 4:30 a.m. to 1 p.m., 7 a.m. to 3:30 p.m., 1-9:30 p.m.  Certainly no 9-5, certainly not "routine" in the traditional sense of the word.

At least I do run.  The weather is slowly turning around; I will be running more and soon.  Today's run was heartening because it means that I'm not as much of a slouch as I feared.  I've shaken off my January sinus infection, and I'm beating my IT band pain.  Let's see if I can squeeze in another bit of a run tomorrow...  Thinking less, running more.  Loving it.

Sometimes I run

I am not very fast, and I struggle with motivation. Yet I consider myself a "runner." It is part of who I am, part of the person I am growing into. Running clears my mind. It is physical proof that I am healthy, that whatever struggles my body has gone through, I have overcome them. Am overcoming them.

After months of training and in the midst of a failing romantic relationship, I finished the 2010 Bank of America Chicago Marathon. Key word is Finished. Stumbling, dehydrated, hurting and disappointed, I crossed that FINISH line, was given my finisher's medal and collapsed on some grass across from Buckingham Fountain. My finishing time was an embarrassing 5:55:54 (really). My hazy goal had been a 4:30 finish, but my body mechanics won the fight against my mental fortitude. Basically, my IT band decided it would be a blast to go and get royally screwed up one month before the marathon. So I finished the race, but I could barely bend my knee after and for the next two days.

Yet somehow, I still finished. Then 4 weeks later, I ran a 15k race (~9.3 miles). IT band be damned; I am going to keep running. I am registered for a 30k race (~18 miles) at the end of March. I would like to run at least one more marathon this year, perhaps a few halfs.

I am a runner and my biggest problem is I am struggling to get out the door this winter. How in the hell am I going to get through 18 miles in less than 8 weeks when I haven't run more than four or five miles at a time for the past two months? Is it even possible? I am full of doubt and chocolate covered pretzels, neither of which are terribly conducive to a successful run. So if you've happened across this blog, welcome to my newest forum for my thoughts. Maybe, if I try to write something worthwhile every day, I will hold myself more accountable for my training. Perhaps it will just be an outlet for my guilt. All of those things. Who knows. Maybe I'll see if I can't go for a long run tomorrow... Shooting for an hour.

So, welcome to my weird, inconsistent, generally self-deprecating world. More running, less thinking.