The tortured adventures of a troubled tummy

We take for granted so many things in our daily lives. Breathing normally; living pain-free; walking. Here is another big one: eating. Most people don't think about what they eat. They don't consider how sugars are broken down by enzymes in saliva, that digestion begins before you even take a bite of food. Sometimes food makes a person sick, and that person becomes immediately conscious of what he or she ate, regretting that last chicken wing or week-old soup languishing in the fridge. But generally, food is our friend and we love it.

Recently, in my world, I have been made painfully and frequently aware that an "iron constitution" is a luxury. In about mid-January, my digestion started going goofy. My digestion is always off, so I didn't pay it much mind. But then I traveled to Japan for a ski trip. The food we ate in Japan, on the island of Hokkaido, was amazing and different and so deliciously Japanese. Giant bowls of Ramen; skewers of beef and lamb cooked over a bed of coals directly in front of us; a grilled rice ball, slathered in miso and stuffed with bonito... And quite literally the best fish I have ever had and will probably ever have in my life. We went to one sushi restaurant where the tuna sashimi melted in my mouth. And have you ever tried actual wasabi root? What a crazy experience!

Alas, despite my heart and head loving it, my gut did not approve of all the exotic and international foods I was consuming. During and following our trip, I basically stopped digesting anything properly. My symptoms became progressively worse to the point where I was waking up in the middle of the night with calf cramps so bad my calves were sore for the next few days. That's when I started on the serious electrolyte replacement - it has helped a lot. Don't get dehydrated.

I also realized this: I am lazy. Or jaded or frustrated or over it when it comes to medical issues. But the way I've been feeling, the detrimental effects these GI issues have been having on my body, these things are ridiculous. I want to be able to take eating food for granted again. I want to be able to run for longer than 20 minutes and not be wrecked. I want to be able to ski an entire run without stopping because my lower legs are cramping up again in my boots. So, I am slowly working with a GI doc here, trying to force them to want to figure out why this is happening instead of just prescribing me steroids to "help the inflammation" in my gut.

Ready yourself, here's the moral of this tale: Take Care of Yourself. We are given one life in this incredible world where, for some reason, the sun continues to rise every morning. I can't tell you not to take things for granted, because we all fall into that complacency. But I can implore you not to ignore when something feels off or wrong. We know our bodies better than anyone else, and only we can take the first steps to fixing them. Also, take care of your gut. It is way more important than you probably realize.

I will still be running, even though it isn't as far as I want right now. But I have a crazy trail run scheduled for August and a whole spring and summer full of adventures ahead. It's time to take control of these problems that have been crippling me for so long. Cheers, salud, go live your life and love it! And if you know of a GI doc who is more curious about the cause than the symptoms, let me know.

Fair Warning: having a bad day.

Every once in a while I treat myself to a self-indulgent, self-pitying blog post.  The sentiments are usually short-lived, but I need to get them out or they just sort of fester and don't heal.  Like that frustrating sore on the inside of your cheek you keep poking at with your tongue and occasionally nibbling on with your teeth even though you know it will heal quickly if you just let it be...  Today is one of those days.  This morning (before breakfast, a mistake), I opened a hospital bill and saw a bottom line that is more than my monthly rent.  So much for a new hiking pack with my tax return.  And then I began panicking a bit because that bill was for those drugs that I supposedly need to keep me healthy, the ones I supposedly need every three or four weeks possibly for the rest of my life.  The ones I haven't gotten since December 13 that, while I so desperately wish I could keep putting off getting more of, I so desperately need because I am not properly digesting Anything. 

Whose great idea was this to keep throwing all this in my way, one more thing to try and figure out how to manipulate, the best way around or over of straight through it?  Nobody in the medical community that I've met so far gives a Flying F*** about me as a person and what this immune situation is doing to my body.  Each is only so concerned with his or her individual specialty, and every single specialist has deemed my "case" as "definitely interesting."  My assumption is that no one knows Why this is happening...  Possibly this total-body post-chemo meltdown has never really happened among young adult leukemia survivors.  It is all so novel; there are no answers and only half-hearted attempts to treat the surface symptoms.  And, of course, expensive treatments only Mostly covered by insurance.

Often, I feel like I blame everything in my life on having had cancer.  Occasionally it's justified - it is doubtful these medical issues would have ever popped up without a leukemia-catalyst.  As for the rest of the times, I don't know.  Would I be working as a grossly underpaid and undervalued barista?  Would I have lost my belief in myself and my ability to Do and Be Anything?  Too, would I be living in Denver, have run 2 marathons, fallen in love, learned how to truly take care of myself as well as how to appreciate and empathize with others?  There are no black and whites, no absolutes, really.

Everything has this crazy amount of potential energy.  I am trying so hard to figure out a way to release mine, to get going and start making a tangible difference in this world.  Objectively, I know these medical issues will be resolved.  I'm looking into alternative ways to pay for medical bills.  I just stocked up on toilet paper.  Someday, I won't be living paycheck to paycheck and I'll be able to go skiing with my friends on the weekend because I won't be at my hourly-wage job.  Yet emotionally, today, only right now, I wish my life hadn't gone this direction.  Just at this moment because I basically never feel that way.  Truly, I love my life and am thankful for everything and everyone in it.  I am blessed; I am beyond lucky.  I'm just giving in right now.  It will pass.  This isn't some cry for help or blatant need for pity.  Quite the opposite: this is my admission that I am so human and an acknowledgment that it is okay to have a bad day.  I don't know right now what I'm going to do, but this too shall pass, and it will be okay.  I have to believe that everything will be okay, even if it doesn't happen until tomorrow.

So, I warned you.  Hopefully you are having a grand Monday today, which I do mean.  I love when people have good, productive days in which there was a lot of laughter.  Go laugh.  I think I'll bike around some then head to my chemistry lecture (which I Love!!).  See what tomorrow brings.  Peace love and not nearly enough miles covered lately...

This game.

I hate this game.  I hate the one rule of this game dictating that whenever I finally start to feel healthy and normal and happy with my life and my level of activity, I get sick.  Some random virus is constantly lurking in the wings, waiting until I am least on my guard and probably a tad stressed.  It waits until the most inopportune of times and then, BAM, comes and kicks me in the teeth. 

Six weeks before a marathon is not the time to be dealing with a cold or the flu or whatever the heck is going on right now.  Six weeks before a marathon is when you're supposed to be running 18 miles on Saturday morning, eating lots of lean protein and complex carbohydrates, and rolling out that pesky IT band.  Six weeks before a marathon is where I find myself right now, wearing two sweaters and not running on a 60-degree day in Denver.  I am so frustrated!  I honestly thought I could do this, could train and stay healthy and rock the Boston Marathon.  That last goal is becoming so much less likely, and I am left wondering why.  Is this all my fault?  Shouldn't I have powered through all this medical B/S from the past few months, forced the miles out of myself knowing that I had no other choice?  Earlier this afternoon, I had the thought that perhaps I expect too much of myself.  Perhaps all these lofty goals of marathons and health are just mirages I conjure in order to set myself up to fail.  Perhaps my mental expectations and my physical limitations are just so disconnected that there is no way to reconcile the two.

Funny story: this past Tuesday, a week after my so-much-fun colonoscopy and endoscopy, my GI doctor called me with the news that I have celiac disease.  My intestinal villi are extremely damaged, and I am no longer properly absorbing nutrients, so hey, happy day, autoimmune disorder most likely brought on by my lowered immune response these past few years!  Cancer just keeps on giving.  So all of the intestinal issues that were limiting my runs (har har) these past few months are a result of an inability to absorb and process gluten.

Okay, great, celiac is manageable, nearly curable.  All I have to do is completely eliminate gluten from my diet.  Beginning right now, six weeks before a marathon.  I acknowledge that being a celiac and an endurance athlete are not mutually exclusive, and, especially around Denver, many people run for hours at a time without ever consuming gluten.  But it hasn't even been a week yet for me, and I am still in shock over the whole thing.  I am still saddened every time I consider Chicago-style pizza or Colorado craft beers.  The other thing is, though I have already begun living gluten-free, it will still take time for my body to heal.  I guess there is a substantial bit of damage to my intestines, and while living gluten-free will eventually allow that damage to heal, it takes time.

So, like I said, I am just frustrated.  I keep getting confirmation e-mails from the Boston Athletic Association, keep plugging away at my fundraising, and keep questioning my decision to sign up for this in the first place.  Regardless of how well I have (or haven't) trained, I am going to be at the start line in six weeks, and I will do What Ever It Takes to get to the finish line in Boston.  I just wish I was more confident.  I wish I didn't have a cold right now; I sure wish I didn't have celiac disease.  BUT.  Here we are, and life keeps coming at me.  These are my realities, along with the reality that I just don't have a normal immune system.  That's just what is up.  I would apologize for all the griping, but I am legitimately at the end of my rope with all of this, and I set this blog up to chronicle my running adventures, and this is one hell of an adventure.  So, if you have any advice for a runner six weeks out from a marathon who hasn't gotten in any significant long runs (I comfortably ran nearly 10 miles 2 weeks ago...?) and suddenly has to change her diet and get over a cold at the same time, I am open to anything!

Thanks for checking in.  P.s., the fundraising is still going!!  If you haven't donated to this crazy, stupid challenge, now might be the time.  Or tell your friends or go drink a beer for me or both.  Right.  Going to try and make it through this week...  Good luck to you all as well.  Peace.