Every once in a while I treat myself to a self-indulgent, self-pitying blog post. The sentiments are usually short-lived, but I need to get them out or they just sort of fester and don't heal. Like that frustrating sore on the inside of your cheek you keep poking at with your tongue and occasionally nibbling on with your teeth even though you know it will heal quickly if you just let it be... Today is one of those days. This morning (before breakfast, a mistake), I opened a hospital bill and saw a bottom line that is more than my monthly rent. So much for a new hiking pack with my tax return. And then I began panicking a bit because that bill was for those drugs that I supposedly need to keep me healthy, the ones I supposedly need every three or four weeks possibly for the rest of my life. The ones I haven't gotten since December 13 that, while I so desperately wish I could keep putting off getting more of, I so desperately need because I am not properly digesting Anything.
Whose great idea was this to keep throwing all this in my way, one more thing to try and figure out how to manipulate, the best way around or over of straight through it? Nobody in the medical community that I've met so far gives a Flying F*** about me as a person and what this immune situation is doing to my body. Each is only so concerned with his or her individual specialty, and every single specialist has deemed my "case" as "definitely interesting." My assumption is that no one knows Why this is happening... Possibly this total-body post-chemo meltdown has never really happened among young adult leukemia survivors. It is all so novel; there are no answers and only half-hearted attempts to treat the surface symptoms. And, of course, expensive treatments only Mostly covered by insurance.
Often, I feel like I blame everything in my life on having had cancer. Occasionally it's justified - it is doubtful these medical issues would have ever popped up without a leukemia-catalyst. As for the rest of the times, I don't know. Would I be working as a grossly underpaid and undervalued barista? Would I have lost my belief in myself and my ability to Do and Be Anything? Too, would I be living in Denver, have run 2 marathons, fallen in love, learned how to truly take care of myself as well as how to appreciate and empathize with others? There are no black and whites, no absolutes, really.
Everything has this crazy amount of potential energy. I am trying so hard to figure out a way to release mine, to get going and start making a tangible difference in this world. Objectively, I know these medical issues will be resolved. I'm looking into alternative ways to pay for medical bills. I just stocked up on toilet paper. Someday, I won't be living paycheck to paycheck and I'll be able to go skiing with my friends on the weekend because I won't be at my hourly-wage job. Yet emotionally, today, only right now, I wish my life hadn't gone this direction. Just at this moment because I basically never feel that way. Truly, I love my life and am thankful for everything and everyone in it. I am blessed; I am beyond lucky. I'm just giving in right now. It will pass. This isn't some cry for help or blatant need for pity. Quite the opposite: this is my admission that I am so human and an acknowledgment that it is okay to have a bad day. I don't know right now what I'm going to do, but this too shall pass, and it will be okay. I have to believe that everything will be okay, even if it doesn't happen until tomorrow.
So, I warned you. Hopefully you are having a grand Monday today, which I do mean. I love when people have good, productive days in which there was a lot of laughter. Go laugh. I think I'll bike around some then head to my chemistry lecture (which I Love!!). See what tomorrow brings. Peace love and not nearly enough miles covered lately...