Three-mile run and a Giant turkey sandwich

Bald eagle on the trail.
Hard to see, but (s)he's there!

Three weeks ago, I ran one mile for the first time in an embarrassingly long time. It was short, and it was slow, but it happened. I went for a run. Over the past three weeks, I have run a few more times - still slowly, still not very far.

I first started running in highschool, when I was 15 or 16. I have never been fast, but I do consider myself a Runner. Running has been many things to me over the years: the enabler of my eating disorder in highschool; a way to lose weight and forget about my broken heart in college; proof of the resiliency of my body after cancer; and recently, a faster way to explore the trails and wild areas of my beloved Colorado. Also, and most importantly, it has always been my primary method of decompression. I turn to running in times of stress and distress, and it is perhaps the only thing I still rely on for my own health and happiness, as various other strategies and coping mechanisms have come and gone again.

I have had a number of running-breaks over the years, most notably during that whole cancer thing. But I slowly jogged my way back to health, and even went and limped through a marathon two years after finishing two years of cancer treatment. Somehow, I hobbled through another marathon, a year and a half later. So the last marathon I ran was in April, 2012. I have run a few more trail races since then, of which I am most proud of finishing the 2014 Imogene Pass Run.

In 2014, though, the strangest thing happened - I got a corporate desk job. I launched into a career with one of the biggest companies in Denver, blindly assuming that this is what I really wanted, what I was meant to do! Never mind that I left Boston, DC and Chicago to get away from high-stress, high-pressure companies and the individuals who value work as the end instead of as the means to an end. I have been at this job for almost three years, and I have begun to draw a few correlations between that job and my overall health and happiness. Let's just say that I believe my job has had a direct, negative impact on virtually every aspect of my Health.

But this post is about running. I'll save the story of the sad, stressed and sick Caroline for another day. Today, I ran straight through for 30 minutes. Well, to say I "ran" is incredibly generous. I felt like I was shuffling along a dirt trail, barely more than jogging. And yet, I was surrounded by prairie dogs, prairie hawks and a glorious bald eagle, and there were no other humans on the trail. For the past three weeks, I have had to come to terms with the fact that I am truly and unavoidably starting over. All of my Healths - mental, emotional, physical, etc. - have slowly been destroyed over the past three years. Perhaps not least of all, I have barely run in over a year. Finally, sadly, I have reached my rock bottom. The good news is that I didn't end up in the hospital, but I think I would have, soon.

I am changing my life. I am putting myself first. Among many other things, this means that I am running again. Slowly, and for only a few miles at a time, I am running again. I refuse to give up on myself and the "being-aliveness" that I love so dearly, and I will continue to put one foot in front of the other and remember to stop and take a picture of the nesting bald eagle because how often do you see that on a run??

Stay tuned because I have a whole lot more to share as I head down this particular life-trail. I am so scared, but I am so excited because, finally, I am going to acknowledge and prioritize the one person I can never escape - myself.

This is the most Me I can be.

Oh, HAI!!

Dear Blawg,

I haven't forgotten about you.  The past four months have just been a whirlwind of crazy and not enough running thrown in to make posting terribly worthwhile.  I have thought about things I would write: how my body keeps alternating between healthy and not quite; how every so often I would run and remember how much I loved it but it was still winter and I wasn't mentally or physically ready; how Denver received more snow in March, April and May (?!) than the rest of the winter; how I moved in with my love and got straight As in the classes I took this semester.  So far, this year has been all kinds of ridiculous and not at all easy.

But that is all for another post, perhaps, or maybe I'll just keep most of it to myself and my journals.  This post is about the fact that within the past 20 minutes, I found myself registering for my Third marathon.  This time, it is the Philadelphia Marathon.  Come mid-November, I will be in Philadelphia, running with a woman and friend who invited me to do this and who inspires me on a daily basis.  I am going to do this race for so many reasons, again, which I will save for another post.  For now though, I just want to say that I am terrified and beyond excited and eager to begin training and blogging once more.

Writing is one of the greatest catharses in my life, as is running.  It makes all too much sense to me to combine both in one epic quest for enlightenment.  Or peace.  Or a better finishing time.  All of those things!  This marathon and training will be unlike either before it: I am working on being So Healthy!  So, tune in and stop back because I'll be updating my medical adventures and running adventures and school and goals and maybe some recipes and Everything awesome in my life, along with the struggles that keep us real.

Thanks for hanging around.  Here's to believing in ourselves and making lofty goals realities!

Running (a lot) more.  Thinking less.  Loving it all, so much.

The Cold

Both the external and the internal cold...  The first means I wore a toque; the second that I didn't run today.  I did, however, brave both colds and go for a walk...  It was 9 a.m., 30 degrees and crisp despite a warming sun.  The highest of the mountains to the west were covered in snow and stood out in stark relief against the brightest blue sky.  I tried to run, really, I did, but after literally two minutes, I felt like my chest was going to explode and the coughing was not far behind.  I suppose it is okay though.  I would rather allow my body to heal than push myself too hard and not be able to get over this thing quickly.  Which is actually a rather novel way of thinking for me.  Historically, I have been known to ignore any and all warning signs my body issues, which has led to excessive fatigue, stress, and even cancer.  (I couldn't have stopped the cancer, necessarily, but we probably could have caught it a lot earlier.)

Last year while training for Chicago, I went for a moderately long run, 90 minutes I think, and I bonked Hard after maybe only 30.  Turns out I really hadn't been consuming enough calories for pretty much the first half of my training.  Or, if I was eating enough, they weren't the right kinds of foods.  My body finally just stopped and basically said, "I have no energy.  I cannot run nine miles, much less three.  Eat better!!"  So, I started eating more protein and more whole grains, and my energy levels changed dramatically, as did my ability to run the longer distances.  Anyway, the moral of this is that I don't feel great right now.  It's the beginning of my training; I haven't started running serious distances yet.  I am allowing myself the time to mellow, to drink tea and eat oranges and turkey chili and sleep 10 hours per night.  Soon enough, I'll be out pounding that pavement and putting the miles behind me.  Take care of yourself and you'll be amazed at what you can, in turn, ask of your body.

Woah, life updates are in order

Sitting in a coffee shop, sipping chai and munching on a chocolate chip cookie, I am neither running nor cross-training at the moment.  In fact, my body decided it would be a great idea to go and find a cold and hold on to it for a few days, so I am taking it as easy as possible to expedite the recovery process.  Because, I have embarked on yet another crazy adventure....

In FIVE MONTHS!!, I am going to run a marathon.  Run, finish, and rock a marathon.  I began training last week, which, for me, means getting in the mindset of running more regularly and running with a purpose.  No excuses, no injuries, no turning back now.  I am doing this for First Descents, a non-profit based here in Denver.  Their mission, as taken directly from the website: "First Descents offers young adult cancer fighters and survivors (ages 18 to 39) a free week-long outdoor adventure experience designed to enable them to climb, paddle and surf beyond their diagnosis, defy their cancer, reclaim their lives and connect with others doing the same."  A succinct way of saying, basically, we do awesome things for awesome people.  FD changes lives and perspectives and gives YA survivors the opportunity to push themselves past boundaries they didn't even know they'd established.

My first experience with FD was at a rock climbing camp in Jackson, Wyoming.  Climbing and rappelling from cliffs in the Tetons, my world expanded far beyond the limits I had unintentionally set for myself as a young adult survivor.  I met other young survivors who believed in me even when I didn't have much faith left in myself.  From there, my entire perspective changed.  Two years later, and I am living in Denver, CO.  I never imagined I'd be living here, and honestly, five years ago when I was diagnosed with acute lymphocytic leukemia, I don't know if I fully believed I'd still be alive today.  Yet here we are: I've rock climbed in Wyoming, Colorado and Utah, all with FD; I packed up my life and moved to a brand new city with only a handful of contacts; I finished the Chicago Marathon; I ran an 18-mile road race in Canada!  Shoot, who does that?  Actually, I know a lot of people who have done similar things, and most of them I know through FD.  An FD camp gives survivors confidence; it instills in them the belief that they can do anything.  Camp also establishes a network of friends who are there to bolster that belief whenever it starts to lag.  A friend I met through camp in Utah was actually waiting for me at mile 25 of the Chicago Marathon, and she gave me a cinnamon roll when I stumbled across the finish line.  It was amazing (both her support and the cinnamon roll).

I want to give back to this group, want to do whatever I possibly can to help other survivors have the same experiences I've had.  So, the opportunity has arisen for me to fundraise for FD with the goal of ultimately running (and rocking!) a marathon this coming April.  I'm not exactly sure which one yet, but I'll be sure to update as soon as I know which one.  I haven't been posting regularly on this thing, but all that is about to change.  Writing about my running gives me a little bit more accountability.  So, follow along as I train through a Denver winter!  Please, please, if you can donate to my cause, do!  If you're unable to donate monetarily right now, I'd love some positive vibes.  Tell your friends about my quest!  Tell your friends about FD!  And definitely check out some cool events I'm planning for the near future.  Thank you so much, and I'll see you at the finish line.  Keep on plugging away!

My FD Fundraising Page:
http://teamfd.firstdescents.org/2011/fd/Fridges2011/thefridge/